the power of vulnerability
It's officially been 6 days since I arrived in Grande Prairie.
Not that I'm keeping track or anything, but I've had a few minor panic attacks within these 6 days. You know that feeling when your mind starts playing tricks on you and running off into a direction you can't control? Case in point: I had a dream the other night where I just packed up my bags and left because I needed to get the hell out of dodge. Gulp.
That was me 2 days ago.
Then I realized, 'oh dear. this is my new life, what have I done?'
Side note: I made a commitment to myself when I started this blog to be 100% brutally honest and real, not only about the great stuff in my life but the not-so-great stuff that has the potential to derail. For every post I publish, you just never know what you're going to get: my vulnerable, human, freaked out side or the one where I feel like I'm conquering the world.
Today, this post is brought to you by my truly vulnerable side.
I'm your typical Type A personality, and if I'm being totally honest with myself, I have a lot of my mother in me. I just cannot sit still and I often feel the need to constantly be doing something. I'm a list maker, a go-getter, a ball buster, a dominator. Call it what you want, I just hate being lazy. Lists and goals make me happy and so does structure to my day. Don't get me wrong, I like being a deadbeat every once in a while, but when you have many consecutive days of doing nothing, panic starts to ensue because where does this end?
I've never felt this more than in the last 6 days since I've arrived to my new home. Sure I have stuff to do to keep me busy, and errands to run, but its the unknown that is keeping me up at night. The unknown of what my career will look like, the unknown of where I will be in 1, 3 or 5 years, the unknown of 'not finding myself' and the unknown of whether I'll be happy here or not. The sense of vulnerability has set in BIG TIME. But I have to keep reminding myself, its only been 6 days.
Luckily, I have the most supportive partner who I can talk to candidly about my fears and he gets it. (By the way, he has taken it upon himself to start calling me his wife already....not sure what to think about that since we're not even married yet, but I will admit, I'm already the little lady who makes his coffee & lunches in the morning then cooks dinner for when he gets home. Oh sweet jesus, how did that happen?). But he's there for me, will do anything to make me happy and is there to listen to my fears and concerns about what this new life looks and feels like to me. More importantly, he knows me and he knows I will grab this new life by the balls and be the go-getter he fell in love with.
Writing this post reminded of an amazing Ted talk called The Power Of Vulnerability, by Brene Brown. If you haven't watched it yet, you should. This brilliant woman studies human connection - our ability to empathize, being, love and in this talk, she shares a deep insight from her research, one that sent her on a personal quest to know herself as well as understand humility. She talks about connection and how it gives purpose and meaning to our lives and that we are neurobiologically wired for this. I realized I'm missing my connections in life that I so dearly hold close to my heart.
So I recently watched this talk again to remind myself that its ok to freak out a little, peel back the layers, try something new on for size all while being vulnerable in the process, because from my vulnerabilities will come my strength.
Here's what I know for sure: I will be fine (que the violins playing, I know). I'm certainly not the only one to have experienced this shift in life and I certainly won't be the last. I am blessed to have the most supportive network of people around me, there's just a few more miles separating us and I just have to be ok with that. What good is all this technology around us if we don't have a reason to use it?!
Time to go make that list and get on with my life, channeling the inner ball buster I know I can be.